Front Row Center

by Jennifer L Thorpe

How in the world am I suppose to stay strong and positive while watching others die before my eyes? Dying from the same disease. How does one do that?

I’ve been refraining from posting down-in-the-dumps updates on social media… trying anyway. It’s hard not to feel glum, pissed off and down right sorry for yourself. But then you think thing of those little kids who have cancer. My God. Why, oh why? That tends to crash the pity party.

Those suggestive words of advice… “don’t bottle it up” or “be angry and let it out”. Those words linger just above me, edging me on to self destruction that may actually be good for me in the long run. At any given moment, I want to smash something to pieces. It was almost my computer, when I downloaded a bad app and then dumped coffee all over it. Instead, I stepped away and took a breath. I then asked God to make it okay. He did. But woo, I wanted to smash it to smithereens. Still do when the keys stick from the gooey dried up coffee.

So, how do I release this anger? We are amidst a blizzard here in the Northeast. It will be several days of solitude for me. Just me, my Chihuahua, obese cat and God. Perhaps this is a great time to really let down the reins and hand them over once again. I may have no choice. It really shouldn’t even be a thought. But I’m like a deviant child who can’t keep their hand out of the candy jar. I wish that I wasn’t that way. I can only pray that God will help me mature enough to allow Him full control. It’s a matter of life or death… actually both.