Front Row Center

How in the world am I suppose to stay strong and positive while watching others die before my eyes? Dying from the same disease. How does one do that?

I’ve been refraining from posting down-in-the-dumps updates on social media… trying anyway. It’s hard not to feel glum, pissed off and down right sorry for yourself. But then you think thing of those little kids who have cancer. My God. Why, oh why? That tends to crash the pity party.

Those suggestive words of advice… “don’t bottle it up” or “be angry and let it out”. Those words linger just above me, edging me on to self destruction that may actually be good for me in the long run. At any given moment, I want to smash something to pieces. It was almost my computer, when I downloaded a bad app and then dumped coffee all over it. Instead, I stepped away and took a breath. I then asked God to make it okay. He did. But woo, I wanted to smash it to smithereens. Still do when the keys stick from the gooey dried up coffee.

So, how do I release this anger? We are amidst a blizzard here in the Northeast. It will be several days of solitude for me. Just me, my Chihuahua, obese cat and God. Perhaps this is a great time to really let down the reins and hand them over once again. I may have no choice. It really shouldn’t even be a thought. But I’m like a deviant child who can’t keep their hand out of the candy jar. I wish that I wasn’t that way. I can only pray that God will help me mature enough to allow Him full control. It’s a matter of life or death… actually both.

 

Reaching Out

My name is Jennifer, and I am seeking help so that I can continue on with my healing journey, for I cannot do it alone.

I’m 46 years young, mother of two, grandmother of 3 and a breast cancer survivor. I was diagnosed with Infiltrating duct carcinoma stage 3 breast cancer in November 2011. I underwent 6 months of chemotherapy followed by 6 weeks radiation.

Anyone who has had cancer, has it now or has been affected, understands that cancer does not fade at the end of treatment. In fact, the affects can last a lifetime causing numerous health issues, both physical and emotional. A good majority of cancer survivors have PTSD. I am one of those statistics.

I’m starting this campaign because I was just recently hospitalized for an infection and exasperated asthma. In doing tests to figure out what was going on, the images returned some things of concern regarding the return of my cancer. I will find out more after some additional tests and the arrival of my biopsy results.

But I am NOT giving up any hope! I am staying strong and allowing my higher power to cover me in love and healing.

In addition to the current health concerns, I have several other physical issues such as asthma (as mentioned above), severe psoriasis (potentially turning into psoriatic arthritis), nerve damage, joint damage and osteoarthritis of my right ankle. All but one of these conditions cause me chronic pain. Asthma is another beast in itself.

The goal of this fundraiser is to assist me in funding the options of alternative healing and cover medical and prescription costs not covered by my Medicare.

I’m on disability income and unfortunately it is not enough to help me through or give me any choice to look for alternatives.

If anyone has any questions or concerns about what type of alternative treatments I am seeking, please feel free contact me here.  I am not trying to be secretive, but at this time I am not sure what all the options are. I would be more than happy to talk more if you want to contact me. If you are not comfortable donating through this page, you can help more directly. You can reach me at my personal Facebook page at the following link:

https://www.facebook.com/LilBrave1

By mail at:
Jennifer Thorpe
PO Box 18
Sassamansville, PA 19472

Any help at all would be greatly appreciated! No amount is too little. If you cannot afford to give, or its not something you agree with, please just offer a little prayer and love sent my way. Love, prayers and support are always the best gift ever!!!

Also, keep my family in your thoughts and prayers because this is just as hard on them as it is for me.

Thank you… Love and Blessing.

The Gallows Pole

In the past few days, many cliché expressions have been voiced in conversation. Getting hit by a bus has come out of my own mouth several times since receiving the diagnosis last week. Having incurable cancer is nothing like the analogy of “I could get hit by a bus tomorrow”. It’s more like this-

Imagine you’re standing on a small soft pile of dirt. Its not solid or firm ground. You have a noose around your neck and your hands are tied behind your back. The mound below your feet shifts and you almost lose your footing. You grab at your neck frantically. Its tight. But you manage to rest and somehow the soil beneath your feet feels safe again. You trust in it.

Then comes another shift. You’re caught off guard. This time its huge! Its an earthquake of sorts in the middle of your very foundation. The ground cracks from under you to the point of no repair. You dangle from the ropes holding you up. Yet it doesn’t choke. Rather, it grips tightly while letting you know that it can drop you at anytime, and it eventually will drop you to your death.

But not so fast! It will allow you to hang for a while, maybe even a very long time, letting you squirm with your personal fate.

Knowing you have an incurable and deadly disease is like hanging from a noose. You sway at the Gallows Pole while everyone watches. Then one day, the earth below shall shatter and drop me to my demise. Its the most torturous ways to live and die.

Getting hit by a bus tomorrow, and not seeing it coming, sounds much better to me.

Ugly Return

Hell yeah, I’m scared. But sometimes fear pushes you further than comfort.